Traveling home for Christmas I came upon a hearse. Sad to think about on Christmas Eve Eve Day. But this hearse wasn’t carrying a dead body. It was carrying an old woman, and she was driving it. Emblazoned on the back I could read, “For the wages of sin is death.” A sign affixed to the roof admonished drivers, “Prepare To Meet Thy Maker.” (I really wanted to get a picture, but I was afraid I might get myself killed, and I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction.)

I found this a rather severe Holiday greeting, so to you I simply say “Merry Christmas!” Or if that offends you I say, “Stop getting offended so easily, and Appropriate Seasonal Festivities!”

When I was a little kid my brother and I inherited a Nintendo system from our cousin. With it came the usual cadre of games: Mario Bro’s 1-3, Duck Hunt, etc. One of these was a gem called Spiritual Warfare. If there’s anything worse than thinly-disguised educational games, it’s a religiously-themed thinly-disguised educational game with MIDI hymns.

The game is played by forcibly converting non-believers to Christianity by hitting them with fruit. Sometimes demons come out and bite you. If you are at all familiar with the Christian New Testament, you may recognize the fruit metaphor from the Apostle Paul’s writings. While Paul is talking about showing people the “spiritual fruit” of kindness, patience, and self-control, this game literalized his metaphor, encouraging children to throw pears, pomegranates, and grapes in sinners’ faces.

Pictured above, the hero hits a sinner with a pear, whereby he immediately drops to his knees and accepts grace.

A second Biblical metaphor used throughout the game is the “armor of God.” You must collect pieces of this armor to pass certain obstacles. One of these is the Belt of Truth. At one point in the game I came across a bar, complete with a flashing neon sign.

My young protestant, teetotalic mind reasoned “Hey, a bar. There must be a ton of sinners in there. Think of all the points! I’d better go save them.” Ignoring Elliot Ness at the top of the screen, I walked in.

Damn angel.