Don't go hazing in Maryland
A good friend of mine, Dan, got married this past weekend. Some friends and I drove the eight hours from central Kentucky to Maryland to be in the wedding. It was a great time – lots of laughs, inside jokes and Jack Kerouac. The only point I found myself doubting that I would come away with anything but good memories was when were almost arrested at the bachelor party.
Now our plan was to show up early for the party, “kidnap” Dan, and take him caving. We met up with his Maryland friends and discovered they had taken the kidnapping metaphor and turned it into, well, not a metaphor. Reluctantly, we burst through his door, threw a hood over his head, tied his hands behind his back, and drug him into the back seat.
Twenty minutes later we pulled off the side of the road, helped Dan out of the car, and began gathering our packs and flashlights. Just as we were setting off into the woods, we heard the crunch of slowing tires on gravel. “What’s going on here?”
Turning around, we met Good Citizen #1 of the Day. She was middle-aged, plump, and indignant. “Is this a hazing? Why’s he all tied up? What are you all doing?” Only too happy to clear up the confusion, one of Dan’s Maryland friends, one who had thought it would be hilarious to publicly abduct his friend like a suspected terrorist, announced “Oh, this is a bachelor party!” By the look on her face, he might have just as credibly claimed it was a Billy Graham crusade. But I can’t really blame her for not believing him, as we had not brought any booze or strippers. (Billy Graham would never have approved.) By this point the situation was beyond saving. Good Citizen #1 drove off in a flurry of protestations and threats to call the police.
Before we had time to process this, Good Citizen #2 arrived, a knight in shining armor perched atop his valient white Dodge Caravan. He was upper-middle-aged, balding, and very concerned with his civic duty as a member of the state legislature. By the time he galloped away with our license plate numbers, there was no doubt the police were on their way.
Hoping to avoid a manhunt with dogs, helicopters, and road blocks, we waited patiently by the side of the road for the police. Dan’s Maryland friends realized that the prank was over and unbound him. Two officers arrived. They told us a man had called, claiming a gang had kidnapped a boy, tied a rope around his neck, and were going to hang him out in the woods. We began explaining, and the officers quickly realized that we were all idiots, but that we were not out to lynch anyone. They let us go with a perfunctory “be safe.”
But yeah, except for that, it was a great trip.